What Fools We Women Can Be multichapter story
by Kat Donovan
Summary: FINALLY DONE! THIS IS THE LAST AND FINAL CHAPTER ! HOPE IT WAS EVERYTHING YOU HOPED AND DREAMED FOR! Post Sadik mess in Season Nine. Mac finally realizes Webb has no place in the future that she wants for herslef and she takes the steps to get what she
1. What Fools We Women Can Be Part 1

**_What Fools We Women Can Be Part 1_**

**JAG: Mac/Harm…Shipper…not really Webb Friendly**

**Summary: This is set to take place in the days that follow the whole Sadik debacle and all that not so fun stuff. Yeaper…**

**Disclaimer: I don't own 'em…are you happy!**

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Mac's POV

Washington D. C. (unknown location)

0200 hrs

Who the hell am I fooling? I don't love this man that is lying next to me in bed. I could never love him. He can't offer me anything I want. No stability, no interest in having a family, and he is not willing to give it all up just on the off chance that I would even consider spending the rest of my life with him.

Damn…I am a fool. What the hell have I done? Tonight I felt totally out of control and not in a good way. This was worse than when I would go on all night drinking binges. There is so much more going on here. I wanted comfort and what I thought was love, and instead of going to someone who I knew would understand what I really needed and not what I thought I wanted, I allowed myself to revert back to my old ways and fell into bed with another drunken man. I think what makes it worse is that in the last week…this isn't the first time I have allowed this to happen. That and the fact that the fool thinks I am in love with him.

Maybe this is what I deserve. Maybe I don't deserve a good job or a closet full of comfortable shoes. I know I sure has hell don't deserve a good man after the way I have behaved with this less than stellar specimen of the male gender. I have no idea what to do about this situation. The way I see it, I lose either way. I can't tell the man lying next to me that I don't really love him. He was simply there and was a way for me to deal with a mess that I refused to take responsibility for let alone clean up. . . If I do leave this man tonight and never look back, I run the risk of breaking his heart and my own. Because the man that I love, not the one lying next to me, but the one in an apartment across town, might not love me anymore. Or I could not move from this place, and let myself get sucked in even deeper to the point that I can never go back to the place where I once was happy and truly in love.

The man next to me stirs and lets out a small breath. I can smell the bourbon on his breath. Did I really think I would be happy with a man that was so careless with my feelings? He doesn't even reach out for me in his sleep. I know what I have to do. But what if…no…it doesn't matter anymore. It's the only way I am going to be able to get back to my old self--if I still can. I roll out of bed and pick up my clothes. I realize that in the time that I have been dating this man, very little of my possessions have made their way over to his apartment and vice versa. In fact, the only thing he keeps at my apartment is a small tumbler and a bottle of vintage something or other. I just keep a spare tooth brush and that's it. Guess this will be the easiest break up in my history. I just thank the lord that there is not a ring involved.

I dress quickly not taking notice of how rumpled I look. I grab my purse and leave the tooth brush behind. I don't even leave a note and for that, I don't feel bad. He's a spook. He'll understand why I slipped away in the dead of night. It's right up his alley. I get in my car and sit there. I don't want to go back to my apartment. Not right now. It needs to be cleaned of all the mistakes that I have made over the last year. I can't deal with that right now, at least not by myself. I have one other place I can go except for that apartment across town where the man I need is sleeping soundly…alone.

Union Station

0245

I have been sitting outside his building for almost 5 minutes. I know he is sleeping. The lights are off in his apartment. I could always use my key and crash on his couch. I open the car door and get out shutting the door as softly as possible. I make my way into the building and up the stairs. I don't trust the elevator anymore in this place. It tends to get people stuck in limbo. That's not a fun place to be at 2 in the morning. I reach his floor and make my way down the hall. I can hear music coming from one of the apartments on this floor. It seems to be in one near his because it gets louder as I make my way down the hall.

I am just a few feet away from his door when I realize that the music is coming from his apartment. Actually the music is coming from him and his guitar. I just stand there and look at the door. I don't even raise my hand to knock. I can feel the tears falling down my cheeks and realize that I have reached my breaking point.

I am still looking at the door when I realize that the music has stopped. I look down at the ground and at my shoes. The really aren't all that comfortable, but I guess that doesn't really matter.

"Mac?"

I didn't even hear the door open. I whip my head up and come face to face with the bluest and greenest eyes I have ever seen. For a man of few words when it comes to matters of the heart, he has eyes that tell everything his heart is feeling. All I can do is nod my head. I have no voice, no words, just tears and regret. I see him giving me the once over and the look of pain that contorts his face is enough to make me want to crawl into a hole in the ground.

He gently takes my hand and brings me into his apartment where he closes the door and takes my coat. Once the coat is hung on the wall, he takes another look at me. Now I feel dirty. I didn't even shower after having spent the night with another man. And here I am standing in the apartment of the man I say I love covered in another man's scent. I just can't seem to stop hurting him. He disappears behind the glass blocks that make up his bedroom and then he is off to the bathroom. I begin to lose focus on everything around me. I am just kind of there. I don't even hear him turn the shower on. I feel him take my hand once again and guide me to the bathroom. I watch him turn to leave. In a vain attempt to form some sort of word, a squeak escapes my lips and he turns to look I me. All I can do is give him a pleading look and a few short hiccups from crying.

He gives me a look of concern and confusion. I go to say something, anything, but I quickly close my mouth and look down at the floor. I feel him approaching me, but I can't bring myself to look up. He slowly lifts my chin with his finger. I take one look into his eyes and the damn breaks. I am sobbing uncontrollably. The next thing I feel is my body being crushed to his stronger one. I finally find the words I have been looking for.

"I'm sorry."

They are barely a whisper and are spoken in between sobs, but they have been said and now I know there is no going back. His embrace only tightens and he buries his nose in the crook of my neck. This causes me to pull away slightly. The moment I do that I regret it because now he thinks I am pushing him away. I slowly feel him pull away from me. I grab his arm and turn him to face me once again. He looks at me and I squeeze his arm. I look over at the running shower and then back at him. I know I need help, but does he know that I only need his help?

"Please."

It's barely a whisper. I wasn't sure he heard it. I thought maybe the running water might have drowned out my plea for help. Or maybe he saw it all in my eyes. I'll never know. All I do know is that he is helping me get out of my clothes. He is being careful as if he is afraid I am going to break. There is nothing sexual in the way he is removing my clothes. I know for most women this might be a problem, but for me it's not. He knows I am not looking for sex at the moment. He knows I am looking for someone to take care of me and that is what he is doing.

He helps me into the shower and makes a move to close the sliding door. Before he gets it all the way closed, I stop his hand from moving.

"Thank you."


	2. What Fools We Women Can Be Part 2

**_What Fools We Women Can Be Part 2_**

**JAG: Mac/Harm…Shipper…not really Webb Friendly**

**Summary: This is set to take place in the days that follow the whole Sadik debacle and all that not so fun stuff. Yeaper…**

**Disclaimer: I don't own 'em…are you happy!**

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Mac's POV

Union Station

0316

I turn the shower off and stand there in the blanket of steam trying to understand what is going on at this point. I take a deep breath and slowly let it out. I open the shower door and notice a navy blue fluffy towel, some boxers, and a t-shirt have been placed on the bathroom counter. I dry off, get dressed, and make my way towards the living room.

"I didn't know if you wanted to wash your clothes tonight or take them home to wash. You are more than welcome to wear those clothes home."

His voice is gentle and dripping with concern. I look down and really take in the outfit he has chosen for me. I am wearing a pair of navy blue boxers and an old Naval Academy shirt. Both items are soft and well worn. And for the first time in a long time, I feel totally at home in my own skin.

"Mac?"

I look up and realize he is waiting for an answer.

"Ummm…You can throw them away."

I can feel him looking at me. He looks confused, but he doesn't push me for any further explanation. Instead he guides me to the couch. He sits me in the corner of the couch, wraps me in a blanket and hands me a cup of tea. I expected him to move to the other end of the couch, but he didn't. Instead, he sits right next to me and turns to face me and gives me a look that says 'The ball is in your court'.

"I don't deserve you." I whisper. I still haven't found my voice.

"Well, that makes two of us because I don't deserve you either. But here we are, together, one of us is obviously hurting and the other wants to stop the hurting. So what are we going to do about it?"

His tone is soft--his voice never rising above a whisper. I watch as he reaches for a mug on the coffee table. He is nervous and is trying not to show it. This is it. He is finally letting go. He has stated his intentions. He wants to stop my pain. He knows what I need without me telling him. I place my mug on the coffee table. I take his mug from him and place it next to mine. I look at his face to gage his reaction. I come face to face with those eyes I have become so fond of. What I find in those eyes makes me want to cry. I see concern, passion, a little bit of confusion, but more importantly, I see unconditional love.

"Harm?"

"Yea?"

"Can I have…"

My question goes unfinished. Come on Marine. You can do this. You want this. He wants to give it to you. What's so hard about letting him take care of you? It's what you have always wanted and here he is offering it to you with no strings attached.

"Sarah, please tell me what you need. Tell me what you want. I know you want me to help you and you know I want to help you. I just don't want to do it wrong and cause a major set back in our relationship. Please, tell me."

I decided to take a page from "Rabb's Rules of Communication" and let my actions speak for me. I take a deep breath and launch myself into his arms. I must have surprised him because he falls back onto the couch. His arms come up and around my waist and I am lying on top of him with my arms around his neck.

"Breathe, Marine."

I can feel his breath on my neck. I then realize I have not released the breath I took before launching myself at him. I slowly let out the breath when I feel him wiggle beneath me. He is trying to get both of us comfortable. It works because I somehow end up in a tighter hug…I am not going to complain. I am enjoying every minute of this. I love being here in his arms and wrapped up in his love. I feel a rumble in his chest and realize he is laughing.

"Well, Marine, if you wanted a hug all you had to do was ask."

He gives me that flyboy grin that is reserved just for me. I, for the first time in a long time, smile back at him. It's that special smile that only he can invoke and he knows it. He pushes my hair off my face and I position myself so I am lying on my side, eye to eye with him.

"There she is."

"Who?"

"My best friend, my partner, Mac, my Ninja Girl, and more importantly, Sarah. It's been a while since I've see her around these parts. She should come around more often."

I can't help it. I am crying. I can feel him wiping the tears away. I reach out and press his hand to my cheek and he leaves it there.

"Well, she kind of lost her way, but she seems to have found her way back."

"Mac, if you want to talk, I'll listen. I promise."

As he is saying this, I can feel him lightly press his palm to my face.

"Ok, but on one condition."

He nods his head.

"We stay here, like this, until I am done. I can't explain it, but it helps me. And I really want to tell you what's wrong and how you can help, and by being here with you like this…well, it helps. Ok?"

I am so scared he is going to say no and kick me out. That he is going to make me put those dirty clothes back on and tell me to leave and never come back. But he doesn't.

"Whatever you want. I am here, ready to listen and you are here, ready to talk. And all that matters is that we are on the same page at the same time."

I take a deep breath and look into his eyes. His hand is still on my cheek. I still haven't let the breath out and I think he is getting worried so he presses his palm to my cheek again. I slowly let out the breath and give him a small smile.

"I don't love him. He thinks I do, but there is no way I could love him. I can't love him because I love you and I didn't want to deal with that after all that happened with your murder trial and then getting stuck down in Paraguay. I ran and I shouldn't have and I am so sorry. Instead of cleaning up one mess, I managed to make another one. And this one seems to be bigger than the first. I have acted like the old Mac that I used to be when I was young, drunk, and didn't know what love was. I am not proud of this and I understand if you see me differently now, but just know that I don't love him--that I never have and I never will simply because I love you."


	3. What Fools We Women Can Be Part 3

_**What Fools We Women Can Be Part 3**_

**JAG: Mac/Harm…Shipper…not really Webb Friendly**

**Summary: This is set to take place in the days that follow the whole Sadik debacle and all that not so fun stuff. Yeaper…**

**Disclaimer: I don't own 'em…are you happy!**

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POV: No one in particular.

She sits at her desk. She has a small smile on her face. Something she hasn't been seen with in a long time. Yes she has smiled in the past year, but any of her friends would be the first to tell you that those weren't real smiles. They were simply smiles for the sake of smiling. This smile is different. It's a true honest to God Sarah Mackenzie smile. As to what put that smile on her face—well that is a mystery to those close to her. Well all except for one and he isn't telling a single soul.

"Ma'am?"

"Yes Coats, how can I help you?"

Sarah Mackenzie looks up from her work and listens to what the Petty Officer has to say.

"You have a visitor. I told him you were busy with case files, but he was a bit persistent. Said he needs to see you today because he is going out of the country and doesn't know when he will be back. I told him that you had a lunch date with the  
Commander, but that didn't seem to phase him."

Normally, Sarah's face would have lost the smile she had been sporting all week, but not this time. It was Friday and her and Harm had big plans for the weekend. And she was looking forward to their lunch date since he had been TDA starting Monday. The Monday after they both decided it was time to throw caution into the wind and just listen to their hearts. No her smile did not fall, it only got bigger and brighter if that was humanly possible.

"Send him in and please tell the Commander to come on in when he gets back from court. Tell him not to worry about knocking."

This is it. The moment she hadn't really been dreading, but to say that she was looking forward to it would be a gross understatement. She knew it was something that would have to be dealt with. Something that she would have to own up to. The least she could do was let the poor fool know that she wasn't in love with him. She had never been in love with him and that it was wrong for her to let him think that she had such feelings for him.

"Sarah?"

Sarah Mackenzie's attention was now focused on the man standing in her door way.

"Webb, please come in and sit down. I owe you an explanation."

"Webb? Since when do you call me Webb and not Clay?"

Ummm…good question. Did I ever really see him as Clay? Or was that just me trying to convince myself that I wasn't settling again. That he was the one that I really wanted to be with?

"You have always been Webb. You will always be Webb. I was trying to fool myself and in the process I lead you on and that was the last thing I wanted to do. I am sorry for leading you on. I am sorry for ending things the way I did. But I will not be sorry for finally admitting to myself that I am in love with Harm. I will not be sorry for finally going after what I want. I will not be sorry for finally being happy. I know you thought you could make me happy and give me what you thought I wanted. But you can't. We both want very different things out of life. I am sorry, really I am. I hope you find someone who wants the same things from life that you do."

To say that Clayton Webb was shocked would be a serious understatement. Any observer could tell that he was hurt. Some might say broken. One observer could also tell that Sarah Mackenzie was a bit uneasy.

"Commander Rabb"

The tall naval officer diverted his attention away from the two people in Sarah Mackenzie's office and focused his attention on the petty officer standing in front of him.

"Yes Coats"

"Col. Mackenzie said that you could just go on into her office when you got back from court. She said not to worry about knocking."

"Thank you Petty Officer. Could you please put these files on my desk and take any messages I might get?"

"Sir Yes Sir"

Harm handed off the files to the Petty Officer and headed straight towards Sarah's office. He didn't knock or even let his presence be known. I quietly slipped into her office. She looked up in time to see him enter but she didn't let it show on her face.

"So you love him and you think that he can give you what you want?"

Clayton Webb is not one to lose without a fight. Deep down he may really love this woman or he may not. But one thing is for sure; he is not going to lose the girl to Harmon Rabb.

"Yes I love him. And yes he can give me what I need and what I want. I know he wants a family, children, and hell even a dog. You don't want any of that. But I do. And it's more than just him being able to give me what I want. He loves me. I love him. I don't have to pretend to be someone I am not when I am around him. With you it was always like that. I hated being drug from one function to another. It was like dating Dalton all over again. You love your job. The travel, the mystery and the danger. I want to settle down and get far away from that. But you seem to be running towards it with arms wide open. I can't live like that."

Harm just watched. What she had just said to Clay wasn't new to him. She had told him as much this weekend. But it was nice hearing it again. Clay just blinked. And Sarah just stood there and watched the two men. She realized that Clay's spook powers must be fading with age because he still hadn't noticed Harm standing behind him.

"Fine. Go with Rabb. If that is what you want, then so be it. I'll be out of the country and don't know when I will return. When I do return don't come crawling back to me because this thing with Rabb blew up in your face. I will not be a warm body to sleep with."

For the first time in a week, Sarah Mackenzie's smile vanished. It was replaced with a slight frown and paired a look of pain that came complete with tears. Harm knew he needed to stop things before they got very ugly.

"Umm…Mac…it's time for lunch and the Admiral said we could secure early after we give our weekly reports to him. You ready to go?"

Mac straightened up and started collecting her things and securing her desk. It was then that Clay slowly turned around only to find Harm casually propped up against the door frame with his arms loosely crossed across his chest.

"Clay. Good too see you."

Harm's tone was cool and level. Mac was grateful. Now if only Clay would be the same towards Harm.

"Umm…Clay I have to go. Good luck where ever you're going and try to stay safe."

Clay simply nodded his head and exited the office. His shoulders were slumped but his head was still held high. Guess he finally got it. Sarah Mackenzie's heart belongs to one man. He was not that man.


End file.
